The Dreaded M-word

That word would be miscarriage. I honestly never thought in a million years that this would ever happen to me. It all started on Wed and by Friday morning my baby was gone. I can not explain the feeling of seeing the empty gestational sac on the ultrasound screen and to hear to have someone tell you that you are experiencing a miscarriage. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life. Talk about a heartbreaker. I have never really known anyone close to me that went through a miscarriage, and where I was part of that experience. So I really didn't know what to expect. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Not only is the physical pain excruciating but emotionally and mentally as well. Here I was buying maternity clothes, getting ready to paint the nursery, and buy my stroller again. Now that all must be put on hold. I spent yesterday at the ER becasue they found out that my blood type is A- so I had to get some shots and tests done. They have put me into labor of some sort so that my body will clear out my uterus. For real? All this pain and the end result is empty arms, empty belly, and two broken hearts. I found this poem that basically explains how I feel:

Just Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changes so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a few more weeks-
And no "normal" personal would cry all night
over a tine, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~Susan Erling

This experience has been awful to say the least. It is so hard to want something so much- and then in one day have those dreams be shattered. I know that one day that we will get to have the opportunity to raise a child here on earth but for now our hearts are broken. I know it sounds so silly but I really do feel that we have lost a child. I was in the process of preparing for my new little baby and now it all just seems like a bad dream. For those of you who have expereinced a miscarriage you know what I mean. From the words of Gordon B. Hinckley- "Everything will all work out"! I know this to be true- it will all be ok. Although this journey was short lived with this little one it gave me a short glimpse into what motherhood is going to be like someday. If I can love this unfinished baby as much as I have, I can only imagine what the real thing will be like. I look forward to the opportunity to being a Mother some day.
I am so thankful for our family and friends who have given us support through this difficult time.